Tootsie's Tutelage

I had a friend ask me recently what she should say to her friend who is dealing with infertility. The first thing I said was, "I have a list of things you should NOT say." I told her I'd email her and after some thought I came up with a small novella for her. I'd like to post it:

Here are a few tips that I would strongly suggest any friend or family member follow in regards to saying the right thing or rather to avoid saying the wrong thing. My small caveat is this, every person is different and these are mostly the things that hurt or help me. Ask your friend how they would want you to respond. They'll appreciate you for it. They'll tell you too. It's a nice relief to have someone ask how they can support you and be there, rather than just jump in with trite comments or suggestions.

1. Don't tell them it will happen in due time. No one knows that. It doesn't bring solace. It is better to let the person have their moment of sadness. Tell them it's okay to feel angry or sad or cheated. Tell them you'll be there to listen when they need to talk.

2. Don't keep good news from them. That hurts more. I may not want to go to the baby shower, but I would hate to be the last to find out that a friend was expecting simply because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. Her being pregnant and my being upset are not her fault. That's something I have to come to grips with. As a side note, I can honestly say that I've been happy for all who've shared their news with me. I still had my own quiet moment of greiving, but I would never hurt a friendship over something like this.

3. Do let them have their pain. Just as you wouldn't say to a grieving widow, "just move on and try not to worry about it." Telling a couple that if they stop worrying about it, it will happen, is just plain mean. You try to not worry about something like this. Easier said than done. So don't say it.

4. Don't pass it off. Some have said, "You can always adopt." This is akin to telling a new widow, don't cry you can always find another husband. Yes, adoption is a possibility. But to one who is wanting their own child; this is an option that takes a long time to consider. It is not so readily available either, due to the high abortion rates. It can be expensive and with open adoption, you may still be left waiting and wanting. As for MWG and his Tootsie, we really struggle to accept this option due to our own ideas and experiences.

5. Do understand if they push you away. They may choose not to go to the baby shower. They may have to leave sacrament meeting when it's time to bless the baby. It isn't because they don't care or don't want to be friends. It's just too painful to sit by and put a smile on. Allow them time and when possible tell them you love them and miss them, but don't make excuses for them either. It doesn't help to be pitied.

6. Do be supportive. Listen if that's what they need. Only offer advice when asked or ask before giving it.

7. Don't tell them success stories of someone you know. It doesn't help. They may even resent you for going off the subject of their pain. I know that sounds selfish, but that's the reality of it. The fact is there is a constant roller coaster of hope they ride on and when they're on a down, they don't want to hear of other's ups. I'm very well aware of "success stories", that's why I'm willing to subject myself to the gamut of emotions and the gauntlet of fertility work-ups and treatments.

8. Do know that they are going to be ultra sensitive to a lot of things. Just let it go if they are. They will come back and try to make it right, they may not mention it, but they will feel sorry for blowing up. To my infertile peers: This is not an excuse to abuse the bonds of love and friendship.

9. Don't complain about your own pregancy or kids. It's so painful to watch children being mistreated or to hear complaining parents when you can't have that. I don't expect parents to be perfect and never have an off day, but when you hear a woman complain quite frequently about the woes of motherhood, it is very unfair. Save that kind of talk for your chit chat with other mothers at the play group.

10. Run interferance for them, after asking them if they want it. Nothing brings the sting like a dumb question by a ignorant person at a party. I say ignorant because it doesn't take but a moment to whisper to a friend who hasn't seen the infertile one in a while and say, "Don't ask 'Tootsie' if she's pregnant or going to have kids anytime soon." You don't need to go into detail, because if they are a close friend they would already know. If they aren't close, then it doesn't really matter why. They just need to know not to open their mouth and insert their foot.

11. A note to my infertile peers, if you haven't already, come up with some nice comebacks to help soften the sting and to 'put them in their place'. My favorite since I've put on belly weight that has been mistaken for a 'baby bump' is to say, "No, I just like to eat." I take mischievous pleasure in watching them squirm at the realization that they just asked a 'thoughtless' question. In our culture of openness people have come to think that they can ask any question of anyone. When other's ask almost accusingly, "When are you going to start your family?" I simply say, "Sometimes they don't come when you order them." Having been the recipent of such intrusive questioning, I am very guarded in my own curiosity of others. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Be willing to communicate your needs and wishes to your fertile friends. It will only strengthen the true friends and ward off the insincere ones.

I hope this helps. I also hope I didn't come across too harsh. Know that these are only my suggestions I would offer to anybody wanting to know how to handle the sensitive topic of infertility. I love you, my friend. I know that this friend of yours is very lucky to have you. As am I. Hugs,Tootsie