Aunt Tootsie is going to Toot some horns for her nieces and nephews.
My Bookworm niece - You are growing up so tall! I love that you love to read. I love how smart you are. I am so lucky to be your aunt! I look forward to building a friendship with you as the years go by. Learn to listen to your parents they are teaching you well the ways that will bring happiness into your life. I know as a 'teenage' it's hard to see that, but trust that they were once your age too and had loving parents that were teaching them the same things. I will always love you and I'll always be there for you!
My Pizza nephew - You are such a bright boy! Your smile lights up the room. I love to hear your laugh! I love seeing your thirst for learning! Keep it up, it'll take you places! Boy, you can do anything your heart desires. Just like the funrun you did! Have patience with yourself though. Though many things come easily for you, be patient in the areas that don't. Know that your Aunt Tootsie loves you and I understand some of the challenges that frustrate you. I'll always be there to listen and help if you want me to.
My Soda nephew - I've always loved how you care about others. Even as a little baby you were sensitive to others and put an effort in to making others feel loved. No one ate alone in your presence and you were usually after the fruits and veggies. A rare thing indeed! Your loving heart, your peacemaker attitude are a blessing to your family. I love the hugs you give me! You are a hard worker, a trait which will always bless you. I know what it's like to be the middle child so, know that I'm in your corner, buddy. I love you so much!
My Princess Annaleis niece - Your Uncle "Mr. Website Guy" adores you as do I! You are in the dictionary under sweet. Did you know that? I love the dimples in your cheeks, the mischievious look in your eyes and the quick wit you have! I love being loved by you! Thank you for the hugs and joy you bring into my life. I love you and I'll always be there for you.
My Cheetah nephew - You are a delight to all who are in your company! You keep growing and learning from your mommy and daddy and your wonderful sibilings older than you. Be a good brother to your baby brother. I love you so much!
My Chunky Monkey nephew - You're still too young to understand this post, but I love your smile, your excitment for life! You are the little caboos on a wonderful family train. I love you!
My Swimming Fish niece - I lived with you for five months and you and I became best buddies! I'm watching you grow into a beautiful young lady and I'm lucky to be your aunt. I love your adventurous heart and your laugh. You have a tender heart too and that blessed me one day when you were too little to help, so you sat on my lap and wiped my tears with your little hand. I will always love you and you can always count on your aunt Tootsie!
My Waterbug nephew - I am the luckiest aunt! I got to see you as you were being born! I loved to hug and snuggle with you as a baby. You have talents in sports and imagination that make your activities adventerous! Always listen to your mom and dad because they will teach you to grow up and be a great man! I will always hold a special place in my heart for you! I love you!
My Princess 1 niece - You can accomplish anything you want in life! You worked so hard at gymnastics and it paid off! You are such a great sister to your other princess sisters! You are smart and brave. Combine that with your hard work, you'll always have fun adventures in your life. Be a good example to your sisters and listen to your mom and dad; they will teach you about what really matters in life. I love you, beautiful and you can always call on your aunt Tootsie!
My Princess 2 niece - You have the face of an angel. You are so fun to be around with your shy front that melts into fun merriment! You and your older sister get along so well. Cherish that sister of yours; for when you are both adults you'll be each others best friends and the two of you will be unstoppable! I love you, sweetheart! Aunt Tootsie is always only a phone call away.
My Princess 3 niece - Swimming with you this summer was fun! You are so sweet and trusting and so loving. You have a natural pose that makes you captivating to those around you. Always stay sweet and as you listen to your mom and dad you'll learn what generates true happiness. I love you, sweetie! Aunt Tootsie will always be there for you.
My Princess 4 niece - We are birthday buddies! When you grow up and you get discouraged that your friends are combining your birthday and Christmas gifts, you call your Aunt Tootsie and I'll give you ideas on how to deal with it. You are a sweetheart and I loved swimming with you this summer, even though I had to be clever at getting you to come to me. I love you, you sweet thing!
My Princess 5 niece - You are still too little to understand, but you are a special part of our family and of your mom & dad's family. You have grandma's name. She's a good woman to model your life after. Always live to bring honor to your family name. Your mommy is so wonderful and you should always respect her and listen to your daddy, too. I love you sweetie!
Princess 6 niece - You are still 'baking in the oven', but what a joy it was to find out that you'd be joining the family! I can't wait to meet you!
To all my sibilings, I love each and every one of you and your wonderful spouses! I'm so lucky to have your friendship and to be allowed to love, dote upon, and spoil your children. I will always be there for your kids. If you ever need me to reinforce something or to show a little extra love to one, let me know and I'll be there for them and you. You are all examples to me and I thank you. To my sibilings younger than me, I just want to say thank you for your love and friendship! We are the 'little kids' and the 'big kids' are great examples for us. But as 'little kids' we forged a bond of friendship that'll always last. I'd do anything for you and your families.
Gramps and Grandma you have an heritage of the Lord to be pleased with. You taught us well the gospel of Jesus Christ, the importance of hard work, and the meaning of family loyalty and love. Thank you for being my example, my support and my friends. My husband and I will be well to do if we follow after the pattern you have set. Thank you!
All my love, Aunt, Sister, Daughter Tootsie
Friday, October 16, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Tootsie's Tutelage
I had a friend ask me recently what she should say to her friend who is dealing with infertility. The first thing I said was, "I have a list of things you should NOT say." I told her I'd email her and after some thought I came up with a small novella for her. I'd like to post it:
Here are a few tips that I would strongly suggest any friend or family member follow in regards to saying the right thing or rather to avoid saying the wrong thing. My small caveat is this, every person is different and these are mostly the things that hurt or help me. Ask your friend how they would want you to respond. They'll appreciate you for it. They'll tell you too. It's a nice relief to have someone ask how they can support you and be there, rather than just jump in with trite comments or suggestions.
1. Don't tell them it will happen in due time. No one knows that. It doesn't bring solace. It is better to let the person have their moment of sadness. Tell them it's okay to feel angry or sad or cheated. Tell them you'll be there to listen when they need to talk.
2. Don't keep good news from them. That hurts more. I may not want to go to the baby shower, but I would hate to be the last to find out that a friend was expecting simply because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. Her being pregnant and my being upset are not her fault. That's something I have to come to grips with. As a side note, I can honestly say that I've been happy for all who've shared their news with me. I still had my own quiet moment of greiving, but I would never hurt a friendship over something like this.
3. Do let them have their pain. Just as you wouldn't say to a grieving widow, "just move on and try not to worry about it." Telling a couple that if they stop worrying about it, it will happen, is just plain mean. You try to not worry about something like this. Easier said than done. So don't say it.
4. Don't pass it off. Some have said, "You can always adopt." This is akin to telling a new widow, don't cry you can always find another husband. Yes, adoption is a possibility. But to one who is wanting their own child; this is an option that takes a long time to consider. It is not so readily available either, due to the high abortion rates. It can be expensive and with open adoption, you may still be left waiting and wanting. As for MWG and his Tootsie, we really struggle to accept this option due to our own ideas and experiences.
5. Do understand if they push you away. They may choose not to go to the baby shower. They may have to leave sacrament meeting when it's time to bless the baby. It isn't because they don't care or don't want to be friends. It's just too painful to sit by and put a smile on. Allow them time and when possible tell them you love them and miss them, but don't make excuses for them either. It doesn't help to be pitied.
6. Do be supportive. Listen if that's what they need. Only offer advice when asked or ask before giving it.
7. Don't tell them success stories of someone you know. It doesn't help. They may even resent you for going off the subject of their pain. I know that sounds selfish, but that's the reality of it. The fact is there is a constant roller coaster of hope they ride on and when they're on a down, they don't want to hear of other's ups. I'm very well aware of "success stories", that's why I'm willing to subject myself to the gamut of emotions and the gauntlet of fertility work-ups and treatments.
8. Do know that they are going to be ultra sensitive to a lot of things. Just let it go if they are. They will come back and try to make it right, they may not mention it, but they will feel sorry for blowing up. To my infertile peers: This is not an excuse to abuse the bonds of love and friendship.
9. Don't complain about your own pregancy or kids. It's so painful to watch children being mistreated or to hear complaining parents when you can't have that. I don't expect parents to be perfect and never have an off day, but when you hear a woman complain quite frequently about the woes of motherhood, it is very unfair. Save that kind of talk for your chit chat with other mothers at the play group.
10. Run interferance for them, after asking them if they want it. Nothing brings the sting like a dumb question by a ignorant person at a party. I say ignorant because it doesn't take but a moment to whisper to a friend who hasn't seen the infertile one in a while and say, "Don't ask 'Tootsie' if she's pregnant or going to have kids anytime soon." You don't need to go into detail, because if they are a close friend they would already know. If they aren't close, then it doesn't really matter why. They just need to know not to open their mouth and insert their foot.
11. A note to my infertile peers, if you haven't already, come up with some nice comebacks to help soften the sting and to 'put them in their place'. My favorite since I've put on belly weight that has been mistaken for a 'baby bump' is to say, "No, I just like to eat." I take mischievous pleasure in watching them squirm at the realization that they just asked a 'thoughtless' question. In our culture of openness people have come to think that they can ask any question of anyone. When other's ask almost accusingly, "When are you going to start your family?" I simply say, "Sometimes they don't come when you order them." Having been the recipent of such intrusive questioning, I am very guarded in my own curiosity of others. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Be willing to communicate your needs and wishes to your fertile friends. It will only strengthen the true friends and ward off the insincere ones.
I hope this helps. I also hope I didn't come across too harsh. Know that these are only my suggestions I would offer to anybody wanting to know how to handle the sensitive topic of infertility. I love you, my friend. I know that this friend of yours is very lucky to have you. As am I. Hugs,Tootsie
Here are a few tips that I would strongly suggest any friend or family member follow in regards to saying the right thing or rather to avoid saying the wrong thing. My small caveat is this, every person is different and these are mostly the things that hurt or help me. Ask your friend how they would want you to respond. They'll appreciate you for it. They'll tell you too. It's a nice relief to have someone ask how they can support you and be there, rather than just jump in with trite comments or suggestions.
1. Don't tell them it will happen in due time. No one knows that. It doesn't bring solace. It is better to let the person have their moment of sadness. Tell them it's okay to feel angry or sad or cheated. Tell them you'll be there to listen when they need to talk.
2. Don't keep good news from them. That hurts more. I may not want to go to the baby shower, but I would hate to be the last to find out that a friend was expecting simply because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. Her being pregnant and my being upset are not her fault. That's something I have to come to grips with. As a side note, I can honestly say that I've been happy for all who've shared their news with me. I still had my own quiet moment of greiving, but I would never hurt a friendship over something like this.
3. Do let them have their pain. Just as you wouldn't say to a grieving widow, "just move on and try not to worry about it." Telling a couple that if they stop worrying about it, it will happen, is just plain mean. You try to not worry about something like this. Easier said than done. So don't say it.
4. Don't pass it off. Some have said, "You can always adopt." This is akin to telling a new widow, don't cry you can always find another husband. Yes, adoption is a possibility. But to one who is wanting their own child; this is an option that takes a long time to consider. It is not so readily available either, due to the high abortion rates. It can be expensive and with open adoption, you may still be left waiting and wanting. As for MWG and his Tootsie, we really struggle to accept this option due to our own ideas and experiences.
5. Do understand if they push you away. They may choose not to go to the baby shower. They may have to leave sacrament meeting when it's time to bless the baby. It isn't because they don't care or don't want to be friends. It's just too painful to sit by and put a smile on. Allow them time and when possible tell them you love them and miss them, but don't make excuses for them either. It doesn't help to be pitied.
6. Do be supportive. Listen if that's what they need. Only offer advice when asked or ask before giving it.
7. Don't tell them success stories of someone you know. It doesn't help. They may even resent you for going off the subject of their pain. I know that sounds selfish, but that's the reality of it. The fact is there is a constant roller coaster of hope they ride on and when they're on a down, they don't want to hear of other's ups. I'm very well aware of "success stories", that's why I'm willing to subject myself to the gamut of emotions and the gauntlet of fertility work-ups and treatments.
8. Do know that they are going to be ultra sensitive to a lot of things. Just let it go if they are. They will come back and try to make it right, they may not mention it, but they will feel sorry for blowing up. To my infertile peers: This is not an excuse to abuse the bonds of love and friendship.
9. Don't complain about your own pregancy or kids. It's so painful to watch children being mistreated or to hear complaining parents when you can't have that. I don't expect parents to be perfect and never have an off day, but when you hear a woman complain quite frequently about the woes of motherhood, it is very unfair. Save that kind of talk for your chit chat with other mothers at the play group.
10. Run interferance for them, after asking them if they want it. Nothing brings the sting like a dumb question by a ignorant person at a party. I say ignorant because it doesn't take but a moment to whisper to a friend who hasn't seen the infertile one in a while and say, "Don't ask 'Tootsie' if she's pregnant or going to have kids anytime soon." You don't need to go into detail, because if they are a close friend they would already know. If they aren't close, then it doesn't really matter why. They just need to know not to open their mouth and insert their foot.
11. A note to my infertile peers, if you haven't already, come up with some nice comebacks to help soften the sting and to 'put them in their place'. My favorite since I've put on belly weight that has been mistaken for a 'baby bump' is to say, "No, I just like to eat." I take mischievous pleasure in watching them squirm at the realization that they just asked a 'thoughtless' question. In our culture of openness people have come to think that they can ask any question of anyone. When other's ask almost accusingly, "When are you going to start your family?" I simply say, "Sometimes they don't come when you order them." Having been the recipent of such intrusive questioning, I am very guarded in my own curiosity of others. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Be willing to communicate your needs and wishes to your fertile friends. It will only strengthen the true friends and ward off the insincere ones.
I hope this helps. I also hope I didn't come across too harsh. Know that these are only my suggestions I would offer to anybody wanting to know how to handle the sensitive topic of infertility. I love you, my friend. I know that this friend of yours is very lucky to have you. As am I. Hugs,Tootsie
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