Finding Joy in the Journey

I started a post that mentioned my need to find a way to nurture in my childless state. I don't know why I didn't finish it, it mentioned some things that I enjoyed doing with my time.

From sometime in early 2015:
I have struggled the last few weeks trying to figure out what I want to fill my time and my heart with now that I definitely will not be a mother. I thought about going back to work full-time but that just doesn't appeal to me because I love all the service I am able to give during the day. Whether I am helping my sister with her little ones, helping someone in the 12 step program or attending the temple (these are just three of my favorite things to do with my time) I love having the time and energy to do those things. So for now, I'll keep my very part-time job (it's more like quarter time) working with elementary kids teaching them how to draw. I LOVE my job! It is the perfect side of teaching. All the fun without all the headache.

So back to my need to nurture. What do I do?

I still do these things but I've added painting to my list. It started with oil paints and I found that I am not patient enough to wait for it to dry and the clean up was a hassle. I moved on to watercolor and found that I feel trapped by the fact that it can't be covered over or erased. Acrylic painting is where I find my creative outlet. I have a room that is beach themed, I live in the desert so it's more of a "dream" room rather than going with the local landscape. I have painted several pictures of the waves, the water, the sand. It's tricky but the ability to paint over a canvas and start new gives me confidence to just keep trying.

I am not a perfect artist and my paintings are self taught and thanks to YouTube getting better. But you know what? I perfectly love my ability to create and express myself. That's all that matters, that I find joy in what I'm doing. Maybe others may look at my life and wonder why I do or don't do the things I do or don't do. I've learned that judging myself on another's yard stick is a good way to feel sad, frustrated or disappointed. Life gives us enough of these moments without our needing to concoct them. So, I judge myself on my own yard stick. I have had some conversations recently that I have used to motivate me to be a bit better in my personal goals at home.   Now, I've only just begun and as you can tell by this blog I am good at starting things and not so good on the follow up. But, I'm committed to trying every day to keep the clutter under control. It sure does get away from you if you aren't careful.

So, do we find joy in our things or in the things we are doing because that's what we are "supposed" to have or do as society says? Do we find ourselves doing them but feeling miserable and frustrated and jealous of other's lives?  I'd like to think I'm getting better at finding joy in my very unique journey.

Also, I made a promise to write more and that was in 2014! So, because I don't like making promises I can't keep, I will not be promising the same; rather I'd like to thank my readers for sticking with me. Until next time.....

I was recently going through old emails of when I was dating my sweet husband and I decided that I still need to keep writing. I love to write and yet I have neglected it for two years. I miss that part of myself. So dear reader, I'm back. I'll post something a bit meatier in just a day or two, I promise. Tootsie

Project: Santa

I'm so excited for this upcoming holiday season! My wonderful husband and I have been so blessed and the upcoming holidays will give us a great excuse to share our blessings with others. Our stake has been involved in Project Santa this year. Preparing for it has been exciting. We've given time, things, and money to this project and I'm so thankful for the opportunity that we've had to be participants.
The last three years we've done a 12 Days of Christmas to someone and we are in the works of planning this year's sleuth gift giving. I love this time of year! My dear husband has put up with my rebellion of Turkey Feasts and we've used the Thanksgiving weekend to prepare for our holiday gift giving schemes.
Please don't take offense to my avoidance of the Thanksgiving feasting. I LOVE Thanksgiving in principle, family, thankfulness, the kick off of the giving season, but I really don't like the Turkey! The Dressing! The Pumpkin Pie! Substituting food isn't the answer either, so I respectfully bow out and find another way to show my thankfulness. I guess that makes me a bit of a Scrooge, but I hope that my other holiday festivities of stealthily giving gifts makes up for my "Grinch" attitude on Turkey Day.
However, you celebrate T-Day and the wonderful days leading up to the celebration of our Savior's birth, I wish you a VERY wonderful, loving and blessed holiday season. Remember to Christ in Christmas and remember to show Thanks beyond Thanksgiving Thursday. My love to you all! Tootsie

Swimming to Music

On a happy note, my wonderful husband bought me waterproof audio gear for my swimming exercise. It's great! I can put the ear plugs in and swim to music. It keeps me motivated to keep swimming. Maybe I'll call it "Dorey". Just as in the pool, I need to keep "swimming" in life right now. I'm struggling over a problem and I haven't figured out how to resolve it. Maybe I should go get "Dorey" and head over to the pool. It's amazing the mental clearing I get from swimming laps.

How do you let go?

I find myself doing this more than I'd like. I hold grudges against myself for dumb things I've done or said or the lack of action when I should have known better. I torment myself with this and even things that I've resolved will haunt me and I am left battle worn in my mind. I've always found it hard to let friendships end on a sour note and I am trying to realize that I can't make anyone stay my friend after I've damaged it. But my problem is letting it all go and moving on. What do you do? I know my actions aren't helping anyone, least of all me so I'm looking for a new way to handle things. After all, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. This problem has driven me to the edge of insanity. I'm open to suggestions.

Ready, Set, Write

I'm off and running! After a longer than anticipated "hiatus" from my new job as a writer, I am in the comfy chair and sitting in front of the keyboard and screen. I'm super excited! I actually just applied for a food critic position. This would be a fun challenge to my writing skills. Who knows what will come of it, but I feel brave and encouraged. So, my dear reader, I'll be busy writing and walking. I'm walking for the goal of completing the Utah Valley Marathon in June. Yea to my mom, dad and sister, Meric for joining me in this goal of completing a marathon! I will get on here and update you to my progress. Thanks for your support! It means so very much to me!

Family of Two

I posted a while back that I was trying to find out whether to be a patient or to have patience. Well, after consulting with the specialist, we've accepted that we'll wait on the miracle that only He can give us. For now, we are a family of two.

I love my Savior Jesus Christ for comforting my heart. I love my family and friends who have supported my husband and I in our quest for answers scientific and spiritual. I love my husband for being my strongest supporter, the love of my life and the man that I've needed throughout this ordeal. I know we will weather our wait just fine because we have each other. I know that He will bless us for having faith in His plan and His will for us. I pray that I'll make Him happy with my obedience and endurance.

Gratitutde: THE gift

I have a wall hanging that says, "Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others." When I think of the gifts that I've been given or have given to others, I think the greatest gift we can give one another is gratitude. Saying the words, "Thank You" are so simple, yet it's not as often heard in this day of entitlement. Starting today, I'm going to open my eyes to the numberless times I should show gratitude and then I'm going to open my mouth and say, "thank you". It's the gift that gives both the giver and the receiver that warm, loving feeling. The only other gifts I can think of that does this are: hugs, forgiveness, and service. In this season of giving, (and by default, receiving) let us remember to give a gift in return to those who love us, forgive us, serve us. Give THE gift of gratitude.

Dear reader: thank you for your gift of reading and appreciating my blog. I don't write often enough, but when I do, I have you in mind. Thank you for allowing me to share some of my most personal feelings with you. I love you. Merry Christmas! May your New Year of 2011 be full and favorable! Love, Tootsie

Patient or Patience

"You're waiting on a miracle" my doctor replies.
I nod through my tears, wiping at my eyes.
He gives me a referral to a specialist doc,
I leave his office numb from the shock.

"I need to talk to you," I text my Dear.
Dreadfully I share what we don't want to hear.
Our lunch is spent in tears and embrace.
My heart aches, longs to erase

The long, lonely years of empty arms.
The painful smiles and put on charms
For others more fortunate and blessed.
Who got their baby with little distress.

The comments and suggestions unsolicited came.
The painful remarks, pointed fingers of blame.
The ignorant and uneducated speaking "wise"
All these and more brought tears to my eyes.

Now I stand at a moment of choice.
I sit and pray quietly, seeking His voice.
I pray for His comfort and strength
To guide me down this path of great length.

He will not fail me, He will not leave me.
Thou I must not doubt, I put my faith in Thee.
Give me Hope as I try to know Thy Will.
Patient or Patience, in my motherhood quest to fulfill.

Magic Ears

I got Magic ears this weekend! No, I didn't get Mickey ears or any ears at Disneyland.

I got Oticon Agil hearing aids! I was born with a hearing loss and after my last pair broke a couple of months ago I've been wanting to get some that are Bluetooth capable. Let me tell you some of my hearing friends and family have said they want a pair after hearing the cool things I can do.

Here's brief description of what I can do:

With the streamer a tiny instrument the size of the iPod nano hanging around my neck, I can talk on the telephone with the phone in my pocket and no have to remove my hearing aid for a traditional headset. I hear it through my hearing aids!

Techy Toostie can listen to her iPod without earbuds.

I can tune into the TV at my desired volume and the output others hear is at their comfort level.

I can tune in to the movie theater.

I have the capability to turn into FM frequencies.


The ear pieces are clear and the piece that wraps behind my ear is the color of my blonde hair. I've never been self conscience of my hearing aids because function is more important to me than fashion.

I'm still "playing" with my new electronic gadgets. I'm so happy. I wanted to tell all my dear readers that Christmas came early for Tootsie.

Love you all. Happy and hearing. Tootsie.

For those who know

To my readers who know: today's been a really good day! Thank you for your love and prayers. Hugs, Toostie

One of my avid fans mentioned how much they missed my posts. I must admit I've missed my writing muse. I think today's post will be dedicated to a beautiful niece who sent me a beautiful thank you for a series I introduced her to. She loves to read! Aunt Tootsie couldn't be happier about that! If I could only have one hobby. It would be reading. Thank you sweet niece for your sincere gratitude and for your maturity beyond your age when you explained how you were sharing the legacy of the series with another. I can't tell you how many books you will read that will be life changing. I've come up with a few of my very favorite.

The Book of Mormon
The Pearl of Great Price
The Miracle of Forgiveness
Jesus the Christ
To Kill a Mockingbird
The Alchemist
The Hidding Place
Is Chelsea going blind?
The Places You'll Go
Ender's Game

What makes your favorite list?

Summer is Splendid

I love summer! I love the heat of the desert! I love the fruits and vegetables that are so plentiful! I love being in the sunshine! The pool! The outdoors! This is a wonderful time and I'm embracing it! I just wanted to share my excitement with my readers!

They haven't tried the obvious

This is probably one of the few times you will read Tootsie's opinion on world matters. I have a deep love for the Gulf Coast particularly Pensacola, Florida. I love that beautiful, peaceful place. In the five years I lived in Florida this place brought happiness, peace, pensive moments and for a time, romance. It pains my heart to think that it may not be the beautiful, white sugar beaches of "squeaky" sand. I love explaining to others unfamiliar with this soft, soothing, luxurious sand that the grains of sand are rounded and thus "squeak" when walked upon. Sure, it sticks to you like sugar, and like sand universally, ends up in places that are uncomfortable, (read eyes and bathing suits) but oh the beauty of this beach!

The tragic accident of April 20 has forever altered the lives of countless individuals. My heart goes out to all who lost loved ones, lost livelihoods, and land. In all the news of how to stop the continuous flow of oil from the floor of the Gulf, they haven't mentioned the one thing that just might work.

Prayer.

To those who scorn my "naivety" I say, God created this earth. He controls it.

This nation "under God" was founded by men who believed in a Supreme being. I believe that all men have the right to worship how, where or what they may. I believe in God the Father. He created all things and all things are in His control.

If the people of this nation would humble themselves and admit that they alone can not stop the flow of oil from this broken well; perhaps God would grant the prayers of the righteous who want the livelihood and loveliness of the Gulf Coast to be spared, healed where damage has been done, and thrive once more.

I've been praying that those working on this problem would be inspired that they would find success if God willed it. I think it's time for the people of this nation to raise their voices to God and admit that they can't do this thing alone. God wants those who follow Him to be humble. We of this nation know disaster and hopelessness, yet we've selfishly left God out of our solutions. We don't want to invite Him to help us because then we just might find ourselves indebted to Him. We might have to let go of our selfish tendencies. We might have to admit to ourselves that we are nothing without Him.

It pains me as the days go by that there has not been a call to pray. I know that there are many in the Gulf Coast states who are praying, they too, believe as I believe that God does hear and answer prayers. I know this because I've seen the strength of these faithful individuals. It is time that those in position of leadership humble themselves and organize a day of prayer. A day of humility before the God of this earth. A day of uniting and praying that He will stop the flow.

Perhaps He won't. Perhaps the Almighty God of Heaven and Earth wills otherwise.

There will be those among the unbelievers and weak-hearted believers that will jeer and jest at my suggestion and even the possible failure of such a proposal of prayer.

But to all the God-fearing, God-loving people who believe as I do, I ask, "What is the harm in trying?" Sure, the answer may be no. But God will know those who humbled themselves before Him. We will know that we tried to humble ourselves, petitioning for His help. We will know that we stood for what was right among the unbelievers.

To all my fellow believers, it does not matter to me the name of the Supreme being you pray to, He is the same. I ask you, please let us humble ourselves and make it known that we wish to invite God into the solution. I pray that He will hear and answer our collective prayer, that the beauty and liveliness of the Gulf will be spared further harm. But this I KNOW, I would be wrong if I did not ask Him to control this situation that has been out of control for too long. If you feel this is wrong or against your code of beliefs, then don't worry about it. It's just words to you. If you feel that this is right, please join me in this prayer. It can't hurt and God willing, it might help.

I'm happy to report

I think Mr. Website Guy is a step ahead of me in the doing nice things game. He's been very attentive these past few days. I better get with it!

Day 1

The tiny thing I did for my husband was offer to do some laundry for him.

Tiny Things

It's the little things that make the biggest difference. It's the little acts of kindness each day that mean the most. Conversely, it is the tiny things that we stumble on or carry that keep us from truly loving and giving to others. We can do big grandiose things for those we love, but if we are not attentive to the little things they may not care about that "once a year big thing". Tootsie needs to do some fixing of her ways. She needs to start seeking out those little things in the lives of those she loves and showing how she loves and cares for him and them. I resolve today, to find something that I can do different today than I did yesterday and tomorrow I'll do the same routine. I'll share my efforts in hopes that you'll find ways to do the same for the ones you love.

Holding on

Toostie has been holding on these days. I've been holding on emotionally at times. It's been a challenge but aren't challenges good for us? I'm also guilty of holding on to some not so good things like anger, resentment, self-pity. These types of emotional ball & chain issues are natural challenges we all deal with. However, these are challenges that are extremely unhealthy for us. So, how do I purge the unhealthy challenges? I know that there is only One who has the power to take the challenge and replace it with conviction to do right. He will not pry it from out closed fist. No, we must go to Him and ask that He take what we've already placed at His feet. We have to let go first.

Second, we have to continue in humility and love toward Him. We must ask Him yo forgive us and strengthen us. This becomes the challenge of holding on to our struggle. Our natural man trait is not accustom to holding on in faith to that which is so difficult to identify unless we are still and quiet. He will help. We need only Ask.

Bouncing Back....

Tootsiesroles has been on vacation for too long! I'm ending my hiatus right now. Mind you, I, Tootsie, have not been on vacation, just been distracted from my blogging. I'm here to get back on track...

So, what's new with Tootsie? Well, not much. I did however have the most wonderful time with BB and his amazing family at the "happiest place on earth" aka Disneyland. Wow! That was a FUN time! I can't wait to do it again. :) Thanks BB for letting me tag along.

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints I'm excited that my Conference edition of the Ensign has arrived. I have two copies, so I can really get into studying, marking, and feasting upon the words of our living prophets. I encourage you to get a copy of the May 2010 Ensign and read and study the messages of April's General Conference. You can get them online too at www.lds.org if you'd like to browse without the paper.

I'll be back again soon. Too long without writing has left my mind and creative talent dull. I'll see if I can't sharpen it up a bit.

My emotional and spiritual reserves have been  improved greatly this weekend. I'm so thankful for the life and love of Jesus Christ.  I hope the joy and miracle of Easter has been strengthened in your heart this holiday weekend. As a Latter-day Saint I feel truly blessed to have listened to the voice of a prophet and many others who were directed by God in their messages.