Finding Joy in the Journey

I started a post that mentioned my need to find a way to nurture in my childless state. I don't know why I didn't finish it, it mentioned some things that I enjoyed doing with my time.

From sometime in early 2015:
I have struggled the last few weeks trying to figure out what I want to fill my time and my heart with now that I definitely will not be a mother. I thought about going back to work full-time but that just doesn't appeal to me because I love all the service I am able to give during the day. Whether I am helping my sister with her little ones, helping someone in the 12 step program or attending the temple (these are just three of my favorite things to do with my time) I love having the time and energy to do those things. So for now, I'll keep my very part-time job (it's more like quarter time) working with elementary kids teaching them how to draw. I LOVE my job! It is the perfect side of teaching. All the fun without all the headache.

So back to my need to nurture. What do I do?

I still do these things but I've added painting to my list. It started with oil paints and I found that I am not patient enough to wait for it to dry and the clean up was a hassle. I moved on to watercolor and found that I feel trapped by the fact that it can't be covered over or erased. Acrylic painting is where I find my creative outlet. I have a room that is beach themed, I live in the desert so it's more of a "dream" room rather than going with the local landscape. I have painted several pictures of the waves, the water, the sand. It's tricky but the ability to paint over a canvas and start new gives me confidence to just keep trying.

I am not a perfect artist and my paintings are self taught and thanks to YouTube getting better. But you know what? I perfectly love my ability to create and express myself. That's all that matters, that I find joy in what I'm doing. Maybe others may look at my life and wonder why I do or don't do the things I do or don't do. I've learned that judging myself on another's yard stick is a good way to feel sad, frustrated or disappointed. Life gives us enough of these moments without our needing to concoct them. So, I judge myself on my own yard stick. I have had some conversations recently that I have used to motivate me to be a bit better in my personal goals at home.   Now, I've only just begun and as you can tell by this blog I am good at starting things and not so good on the follow up. But, I'm committed to trying every day to keep the clutter under control. It sure does get away from you if you aren't careful.

So, do we find joy in our things or in the things we are doing because that's what we are "supposed" to have or do as society says? Do we find ourselves doing them but feeling miserable and frustrated and jealous of other's lives?  I'd like to think I'm getting better at finding joy in my very unique journey.

Also, I made a promise to write more and that was in 2014! So, because I don't like making promises I can't keep, I will not be promising the same; rather I'd like to thank my readers for sticking with me. Until next time.....

I was recently going through old emails of when I was dating my sweet husband and I decided that I still need to keep writing. I love to write and yet I have neglected it for two years. I miss that part of myself. So dear reader, I'm back. I'll post something a bit meatier in just a day or two, I promise. Tootsie

Project: Santa

I'm so excited for this upcoming holiday season! My wonderful husband and I have been so blessed and the upcoming holidays will give us a great excuse to share our blessings with others. Our stake has been involved in Project Santa this year. Preparing for it has been exciting. We've given time, things, and money to this project and I'm so thankful for the opportunity that we've had to be participants.
The last three years we've done a 12 Days of Christmas to someone and we are in the works of planning this year's sleuth gift giving. I love this time of year! My dear husband has put up with my rebellion of Turkey Feasts and we've used the Thanksgiving weekend to prepare for our holiday gift giving schemes.
Please don't take offense to my avoidance of the Thanksgiving feasting. I LOVE Thanksgiving in principle, family, thankfulness, the kick off of the giving season, but I really don't like the Turkey! The Dressing! The Pumpkin Pie! Substituting food isn't the answer either, so I respectfully bow out and find another way to show my thankfulness. I guess that makes me a bit of a Scrooge, but I hope that my other holiday festivities of stealthily giving gifts makes up for my "Grinch" attitude on Turkey Day.
However, you celebrate T-Day and the wonderful days leading up to the celebration of our Savior's birth, I wish you a VERY wonderful, loving and blessed holiday season. Remember to Christ in Christmas and remember to show Thanks beyond Thanksgiving Thursday. My love to you all! Tootsie

Swimming to Music

On a happy note, my wonderful husband bought me waterproof audio gear for my swimming exercise. It's great! I can put the ear plugs in and swim to music. It keeps me motivated to keep swimming. Maybe I'll call it "Dorey". Just as in the pool, I need to keep "swimming" in life right now. I'm struggling over a problem and I haven't figured out how to resolve it. Maybe I should go get "Dorey" and head over to the pool. It's amazing the mental clearing I get from swimming laps.

How do you let go?

I find myself doing this more than I'd like. I hold grudges against myself for dumb things I've done or said or the lack of action when I should have known better. I torment myself with this and even things that I've resolved will haunt me and I am left battle worn in my mind. I've always found it hard to let friendships end on a sour note and I am trying to realize that I can't make anyone stay my friend after I've damaged it. But my problem is letting it all go and moving on. What do you do? I know my actions aren't helping anyone, least of all me so I'm looking for a new way to handle things. After all, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. This problem has driven me to the edge of insanity. I'm open to suggestions.

Ready, Set, Write

I'm off and running! After a longer than anticipated "hiatus" from my new job as a writer, I am in the comfy chair and sitting in front of the keyboard and screen. I'm super excited! I actually just applied for a food critic position. This would be a fun challenge to my writing skills. Who knows what will come of it, but I feel brave and encouraged. So, my dear reader, I'll be busy writing and walking. I'm walking for the goal of completing the Utah Valley Marathon in June. Yea to my mom, dad and sister, Meric for joining me in this goal of completing a marathon! I will get on here and update you to my progress. Thanks for your support! It means so very much to me!

Family of Two

I posted a while back that I was trying to find out whether to be a patient or to have patience. Well, after consulting with the specialist, we've accepted that we'll wait on the miracle that only He can give us. For now, we are a family of two.

I love my Savior Jesus Christ for comforting my heart. I love my family and friends who have supported my husband and I in our quest for answers scientific and spiritual. I love my husband for being my strongest supporter, the love of my life and the man that I've needed throughout this ordeal. I know we will weather our wait just fine because we have each other. I know that He will bless us for having faith in His plan and His will for us. I pray that I'll make Him happy with my obedience and endurance.